"i accept chaos, i'm not sure whether or not it accepts me"

hi, i'm working on it. promise.

i love it, duh.

dear sweet god, why have i never seen this before?

i'm not sure what the entire industry is coming to anymore, really.
i know from my own current experiences in rehab that everyone is responsible for their own mistakes, and that everyone makes them. we can bitch, piss and moan as much as we'd like about how you've lost respect for someone, about how you never thought it would come to this, but what good is that? being an addict is one thing i can really identify with; be it an addiction to my eating disorders, my addiction to chemicals, or anything else; i know the feeling. and i know the feeling of being scared shitless when the cat claws it's way out of the bag. the messages a recovering addict (or still struggling addict) needs above all is this:

"I am not condoning what you are doing to yourself in any way, shape or form. But it is exactly that; your self, your body. And I have no right to control it. I say the things I do out of love and fear, and as someone who cares very much about you, I think I have the right to express that fear and love. I will not tell you what to do with your life, but I will tell you that I will be there to listen to your struggles if need be, there to help you through the hardships if need be, there to work through the jumbled thoughts in your mind if you wish to let me. I realize that addictions can not be beaten if the willpower and drive to get rid of them is not there yet. But it will come, and I will be there for you when it does."

maybe he isn't ready to beat his addiction, maybe it isn't even an addiction yet, mistakes are made and it's our job in life to learn how to step around the cracks in the sidewalk instead of fall through them. i've been in the place of 'this is not a problem' before and maybe it took a heart attack at fifteen to make me realize it, maybe it was the multiple IV's, or the psych evaluations, or the doctors in the ER and cardiac ICU telling me 'You could very will die at any time in the next four days'. hopefully it won't get to that level with anyone else, especally someone we as a community feel very strongly for.

with every hardship we learn. we live, and we learn.

you know what's kind of funny? i really really dig keltie colleen. like, a lot. she's pretty damn amazing, and if one day, i grow up to be half as cool as her and talented and gorgeous and successful, i'll consider myself really fucking lucky. that woman has been through a hell of a few months, and she's coming out better than i could have ever expected.

so kudo's to you, keltie colleen.



oh, the funny part;
this is what ryan's been doing recently, this is what keltie has been doing.
who wins?...
yeah. that's what i thought.lulz.